Why Parental Perfectionism Could Harm Your Kid’s Food Relationship

In today’s world of social media comparison and nonstop parenting advice, the pressure to “get it right” can feel relentless. Parents may feel inclined to try an expert-approved parenting style or create healthy Instagram-worthy school lunches. Striving to be a good parent is natural. But when those efforts tip into perfectionism, there can be consequences.

Research backs this up. A study published in BMC Psychiatry found that parental perfectionism is linked to higher rates of disordered eating in children ages 6 to 11. That perfectionism, which can look like having high personal standards, expectations, or being critical, creates stress that often trickles down, raising the risk of kids who strive to be perfect and have unhealthy eating patterns. 

The cycle doesn’t always stop there. A 2023 systematic review in the Journal of Eating Disorders found a strong link between perfectionistic traits and binge eating behaviors. Research from the National Library of Medicine connects perfectionism to orthorexia, and a study in Science Direct links it to bulimia and anorexia.

To better understand why this happens—and how parents can move from perfectionism to connection—we spoke with experts who work directly with families impacted by disordered eating and eating disorders.

When Pressure To Be Perfect Reaches the Family Dinner Table

When parents strive for perfection, children can feel the weight of those expectations—and it can quietly shape how they see themselves. 

“Parents who struggle with perfectionism often show a rigid desire to do everything flawlessly in raising their children, and they’re probably also exhibiting this in other parts of their life,” says Erin Parks, PhD, clinical psychologist and chief clinical officer of Equip, a virtual eating disorder treatment program. “It’s often driven by anxiety—the sense that if I can just do things perfectly, everything will be OK.”

A common way perfectionism manifests at home is by setting difficult food rules for themselves and their kids. 

“Parents mean well, but creating strict rules, like ‘you can’t have any sugar’ or ‘you must finish everything on your plate,’ can contribute to an unhealthy relationship with eating,” says Thea Runyan, DrPH, MPH, founder and CEO of the Pediatric Health Coaching Academy and consulting health scientist for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). “Kids may start to feel guilty about food choices or sneak the foods they’re restricted from.”

Plus, labeling foods as “good” or “bad” can send harmful messages and impact self-esteem. “When parents label food this way, kids don’t just internalize the message about the food; they start to label themselves as good or bad based on what they ate,” says Dr. Parks. 

And Dr. Runyan notes that it’s not unusual for kids to mirror their parents’ food anxieties. “When I coach kids and families, I see how quickly children pick up on a parent’s stress about food, even when parents think they do a good job hiding it,” she says.

Watch for Early Signs

Not every child of a perfectionist parent develops disordered eating, which refers to problematic eating behaviors that can develop into a recognized eating disorder. And kids can develop disordered eating despite a parent’s best effort to instill healthy eating habits. Experts say there are signals worth paying attention to.

Dr. Runyan notes that one red flag is when kids begin avoiding everyday experiences because of food concerns, such as skipping a sleepover or a birthday party. Or they start avoiding certain foods. 

“If your 8-year-old is calling themselves ‘bad’ for having a piece of cake, that’s a good time to step back and reassess,” she says.

But it’s not about dieting. Disordered eating in children often appears as emotional struggles around meals, and it can start as young as around 6, explains Dr. Parks. “If a child is anxious or disgusted before meals, that’s a warning sign,” she says.

Asha Patton-Smith, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Virginia, emphasizes paying attention to the emotional toll. 

“The stress of parental perfectionism and the desire to be perfect for both child and parent can sometimes be overwhelming,” she says. “This can lead to an internal feeling of being out of control.”

Helping Kids Build a Healthy Relationship With Food

The antidote to perfectionism is shifting the focus from control to connection. 

Be a good role model

It’s important for parents to set a good example. “What you say matters, but not nearly as much as what kids see you do,” says Dr. Patton-Smith. That means eating all types of foods and not demonstrating guilt when consuming an occasional fatty or sugary snack. 

Dr. Patton-Smith adds that parents should make mealtime a time for bonding, not judgment. “Put away the devices, share about your day, and let kids share about theirs,” she says.

And remember, perfection in parenting isn’t possible, and striving for that can set you up for failure.

“When parents put so much pressure on themselves to achieve something unattainable, it can lead to burnout,” says Dr. Patton-Smith. “And when children grow up hearing criticism all the time, they often turn that same critical voice inward.”

Avoid criticism and outlawing foods

“Saying ‘no’ to certain foods may make children want them more,” Dr. Patton-Smith says. Instead, provide structure through regular meals and healthy options while allowing autonomy. 

But if your kid is always reaching for junk food, you can also reframe. For example, Dr. Patton-Smith suggests saying, “If you like chips, let’s also slice apples really thin so you get that same crunch.”

No matter what, parents should avoid using terms like “fat” or “chubby,” and any form of weight-based teasing. They should also refrain from encouraging kids to lose weight.

“Such communication has been associated with an increased risk of body dissatisfaction, unhealthy weight-control behaviors, and diminished psychological well-being in children and adolescents,” shares Dr. Patton-Smith.

Involve kids in the process

Dr. Runyan encourages parents to make healthy eating collaborative instead of controlling. 

“Let kids help plan meals, shop with you, or prepare snacks,” she says. “When they’re part of the process, they’re far more likely to eat what you’ve prepared.”

Push the reset button

If you feel you’ve been too strict with food, you can change the narrative.

“One of the best things you can show your child is how to change course,” Dr. Parks says. “You can say, ‘I used to tell you cookies were bad, but I learned that all foods can fit. I was wrong, and I want us to try something different.’ Modeling flexibility teaches kids that it’s OK to learn and adapt.”

If You Notice Your Kid Is Struggling

If you think your child may be struggling, talk to them and open the conversation gently. Dr. Parks suggests starting with curiosity instead of correction: “I notice you seem upset at mealtimes. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

Dr. Runyan stresses that parents don’t need to wait until a full-blown eating disorder develops. Checking in with a pediatrician, school counselor, or a mental health professional can provide guidance before patterns worsen. 

If you’re worried that you or a loved one may be struggling with an eating disorder, a five-minute Equip screener can be a good starting point.