How To Help Your Teen Use Social Media Safely

If you’re a parent, the idea of letting your child use platforms like TikTok and Instagram likely gives you serious pause. After all, there’s a ton of harmful content on these sites, and young people don’t typically have the maturity to figure out what to pay attention to and what to scroll past. Not only that, but these sites can be addictive, even when you’re using them more responsibly.

At the same time, the idea of restricting them from social media just isn’t realistic. Real talk: Most teens will find their way onto these sites even if we try to lock them down. Plus, social media can be an important point of social connection, and can also be a place to develop hobbies and deepen creativity.

That’s why most parents of teens are looking for a middle ground. We put together guidelines for parents of teens who want to find the balance between full restriction and total free rein on social media.

Teach Awareness Skills

Yes, there are things you can do as a parent to restrict your teen’s access to some of the more dangerous content on Instagram and TikTok. But doing things like banning social media altogether—or even using parenting controls, or tweaking algorithms—isn’t totally fool-proof.

Teens often find ways to get around these things. For example, let’s say you use tools to ban certain hashtags or keywords. Kids can get around this by creating variations with misspellings. They can also usually figure out how to shut off these bans. Other teens will just gain access to this same content by having friends send them content over DM.

“These tools can create false security,” says Shaina Goelman, LMFT, clinical supervisor at Neuro Wellness Spa. “I’ve worked with parents who had every safety setting enabled and their teen was still struggling because someone sent them something directly.”

Goelman doesn’t think steps like keyword bans and content restriction aren’t helpful—she does recommend parents look into this—but says that the most protective thing parents can do is help their children develop their own internal filter around social media.

“Teach them to notice how content makes them feel in their body,” Goelman recommends. You can suggest your child ask themselves questions like: Does scrolling leave me anxious? Am I comparing myself? “These awareness skills matter more than any parental control setting,” Goelman shares.

Focus on Safety Settings

Here’s the truth: If you are allowing your child to have social media, there is no way to 100% ensure they won’t encounter dangerous material online. But that doesn’t mean you should sit back and do nothing. “You can’t create a completely safe feed, but you can reduce harm and create opportunities for connection around what they’re seeing,” says Goelman.

Goelman suggests starting by using built-in tools that some social media apps offer. For example, Instagram now has Teen Accounts. “These accounts come with built-in limits, parental controls, and safety settings, and users under 16 will need their family’s permission to change their account,” explains Laura Tierney, founder of The Social Institute. “Some of the settings that come with Teen Accounts include a screen time limit, a sleep mode active from 10 p.m. to 7 a.m., and the ability to restrict posts that contain certain keywords and phrases.”

If you’re unsure which settings matter, Goelman suggests the following:

• Enabling restricted mode
• Turning off autoplay
• Making accounts private
• Disabling DMs from strangers
• Using comment filters

Talk About Algorithms

It’s not just about settings. It’s about building a more positive social media feed for your teen. Algorithms online are shaped by what the user interacts with, so you can encourage your teen to do things like:

• Actively use “not interested/dislike” buttons to curate their feed
• Make sure to unfollow or mute accounts that share content they don’t like or is potentially harmful for them
• Make a point to follow accounts that promote healthier interests

“Engage your teen in discussions about accounts that they enjoy following,” says Caitlin Severin, LMFT, therapist and co-founder of CultivaTeen Roots.

According to Severin, this might involve:

• Getting curious with your teen—without judgment—about what interests them and what their values are
• Asking them what creators they like to follow and why that content is interesting to them
• Exploring how they feel when they spend hours on their phone
• Engaging them in discussions about other activities that they enjoy

Create a Protocol for Dangerous Content

From violent and bigoted rhetoric, to beauty content that promotes body dysphoria and harmful social media “challenges,” social media is full of dangerous trends that target teens. That’s why experts urge parents to have conversations with their children on how to identify these trends—as well as strategies for managing social media when this content inevitably surfaces.

“What works better than trying to control everything is co-viewing,” says Goelma. “Sit with your teen sometimes and ask them to show you accounts they follow—with genuine curiosity, not interrogation.”

Tierney says utilizing block and report settings on social media is vital—and something you can teach your teen to do periodically.

As difficult as it can be if your teen is exposed to dangerous content online, you can use it as an  opportunity to have a deeper conversation about boundaries, identity, and core values. “The key to having these conversations is reducing judgment and allowing space for your teen to process,” says Severin. “Asking teen open-ended questions gives them space to develop their own beliefs and values and encourages them to set healthy boundaries for themselves.”

Here are some helpful questions Severin recommends considering when having these conversations with your teen:

• What did it feel like when you saw that?
• Why do you think someone would put that out there on the internet?
• If you had the power to change anything about what you saw, what would you do?
• How does seeing that change anything about your perspectives or beliefs?

Help Them Feel Empowered

Allowing a teen to use social media doesn’t have to be a bad thing—really! It can be an opportunity for you and your teen to bond, and for them to feel empowered to create a healthy and balanced feed based on values and connection.

Here are some thoughts from Severin on how to do this:

• Values: Help your teen define what their values are in life and then support them in finding content online that connects with these values.
• Boundaries: Help your teen decide what’s the right amount of screen time for their lifestyle and mental health, and what platforms are most beneficial to them.
• Communication: Have an ongoing dialogue with your teen about the emotional impacts of their phone usage.
• Self-reflection: Ask your teen how they feel after scrolling, compared with how they feel when they engage in off-line, real-life activities.
• Modeling: Understand that your teen is always watching you, so be mindful of your own technology use and dependence.

Take Charge When Needed

For many of us, employing a mix of boundaries, smart social media settings, and an ongoing non-judgmental, open dialogue about social media will be enough to keep our teens safe online. But for others of us, more help will be needed.

So how might you know something is wrong in terms of their social media use? Sometimes you will simply see something they are viewing online and you will know it’s not appropriate or that it might be harmful. But other times issues may be less obvious. “Teens are incredibly savvy when it comes to using social media so keep an eye out for secretive behavior or unwillingness to share what they are viewing,” Goelman recommends.

Either way, you aren’t powerless when it comes to managing scary or stressful online situations. Here are tips from Goelman:

• Start with curiosity, rather than accusations. Consider saying something like, “I saw you were looking at content about [blank]. Can we talk about that? I want to understand what’s going on.”
• Understand the context of what happened. Did they seek it out, or did it find them? These clues give you insight into what kind of support they might need.
• If content relates to self-harm or eating disorders, reach out to a therapist who specializes in adolescents.
• If content is illegal or your teen is in immediate danger, seek professional help immediately. Remember that safety always comes first, when it comes to your child or others that may be involved.

Whatever happens, Goelman urges parents not to let one challenging online incident define your teen or your parenting journey. “It’s an opportunity to deepen your relationship and help them develop better judgment,” she says. “The goal is building a relationship where they know they can come to you when they encounter something disturbing.”