Quick Summary
- Emotional distance in marriage can build slowly through life transitions, stress, poor communication, or diverging values.
- Growing apart may look like surface-level conversations, less intimacy, spending more time apart, or avoiding future plans together.
- Couples can reconnect by openly addressing distance, prioritizing quality time, rebuilding intimacy, and aligning on shared goals.
- Therapy can provide tools and support to strengthen your relationship and in some cases, help you decide if separation is the healthiest path forward.
Many couples begin to feel emotional distance creeping in over time. Growing apart in a relationship might look like spending less time together, losing curiosity about each other’s lives, or realizing you no longer make as many shared plans.
Even committed relationships face challenges. In the United States, over two million people get married each year, while nearly 670,000 people divorce each year.
In this article, you’ll learn more about why partners can grow apart and how to avoid divorce by spotting the signs. While there are some practical steps you can take to prevent growing apart, professional help may accelerate your progress.
Reasons Why You May Be Growing Apart
Understanding why couples grow apart is the first step to preventing it.
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Life transitions and stress
It’s natural to grow apart from your spouse in some ways with time. However, some couples find they emotionally drift away from each other after major life events, such as the birth of a child or career changes. Added stress from work or childcare leaves less energy to maintain your romantic connection.
Communication erosion
When life is busy, it’s easy to slip into a pattern of only having surface-level conversations. This can leave less room for understanding and force couples to make assumptions about how the other feels and thinks. These assumptions add up over time and make it harder to feel seen and understood.
“It is essential to have clear open communication with your partner and emotional sharing, if effective communication is not practiced on a regular basis, it can lead to emotional distance over time.”
Unmet needs and expectations
When communication breaks down, it’s harder to feel seen and supported by your partner. One partner may need more affection, while the other needs more help with daily responsibilities. When partners don’t communicate about their needs, it’s easy for frustration to quietly build.
Taking each other for granted
Long-term relationships can slip into autopilot. Conversations shift to only be about schedules, bills, and chores instead of affection or curiosity about each other’s inner world. While these conversations are necessary, they might leave one partner feeling like all the work they do to keep daily life running is unnoticed or unappreciated.
Diverging values and goals
Many relationships start before learning their values and goals. Realizing that your views on money, parenting, or lifestyle are different from or have changed from your partner’s make it difficult to see eye to eye.
Individual growth outpacing the relationship
Individual growth is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. However, when one partner develops new interests, friendships, or priorities, it may feel like you’re going in separate directions.
Signs You May Be Growing Apart in Your Marriage
Every marriage has its ups and downs. A busy time at work or stressful family events can cause a temporary distance in your marriage. It’s not always easy to tell the difference between a normal rough patch and a sustained drift. Some signs that you may be growing apart in a relationship include:
- Surface-level or infrequent conversations: Intimacy can’t grow without curiosity about each other’s thoughts and interests.
- Less emotional or physical closeness: Partners can feel less connected when they don’t share physical or emotional affection and vulnerability.
- Preferring time apart: Living parallel lives instead of sharing experiences can make it harder to picture your marriage as an “us.”
- Irritation or indifference: Disengagement is often a louder signal of trouble than constant arguing.
- Avoiding future talk: Skipping conversations about future goals or plans makes it hard to ensure you have a shared direction as a couple.
- No repair after conflict: Small ruptures can form if there’s no effort to apologize, forgive, or move forward after conflict.
Noticing these patterns doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or that you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse. It can be a signal that you need to slow down, reconnect, and learn how to reignite the spark in your relationship. A therapist can help you sort through these patterns to help you understand what’s going on.
How To Stop Your Marriage From Growing Apart
Growing apart in a marriage doesn’t have to be permanent. With some effort and intention, couples can work to rebuild their relationship and strengthen their bond.
Talk about the distance, don’t ignore it
The first step to reversing the distance is to acknowledge that it exists. Couples may hesitate to bring up the growing distance because they’re afraid to hurt their partner’s feelings or don’t want to start a conflict. Even though it may feel uncomfortable at first, speaking openly about the growing distance in your relationship can open the door to more understanding, reduce assumptions, and create a safe space to express your mutual needs.
“In order to stop your marriage from growing apart, it is important to communicate openly. Some strategies that can help you are active listening, using “I” statements and setting a time to speak to one another on a regular basis.”
You can start the conversation with something simple, like, “I’ve noticed we’ve been talking a lot less recently. I miss our connection. Can we talk about it?” Beginning the conversation with your own feelings and curiosity can help make it feel supportive rather than accusatory.
Prioritize quality time
When your daily life revolves around daily routines and busy schedules, it leaves little time to truly connect with your partner. Without spending quality time with each other, it’s easy to grow apart in your marriage. Prioritizing spending time together without distractions, like work, kids, and other family responsibilities, can help you remember why you value each other.
Quality time can mean different things to everyone. It might be a quick morning coffee, a walk after dinner, or a chat before bed. Even if you can only set aside 10 to 15 minutes each day to spend with each other, it still makes a difference. The key is to be truly present with each other.
Address underlying issues
Distance in a relationship can build when unspoken frustrations boil beneath the surface. Although difficult, it’s important to take time to identify underlying issues so you can address them as a couple. Approaching the conversation with curiosity rather than blame can help you find a solution before small problems grow into bigger resentments.
“Couples can identify and address underlying issues by learning how to talk and listen to one another with empathy rather than trying to blame your partner for all of the problems in the relationship.”
Rebuild emotional and physical intimacy
Emotional and physical intimacy can help strengthen your bond. Even small, but consistent gestures can help rebuild your intimacy over time. Actions like holding hands, hugging, and checking in about feelings can make your partner feel loved, valued, and supported, making it easier to share thoughts and concerns without judgment.
Reflect on your own needs
You can’t fully support your partner if your own needs are unclear. Reflect on what makes you feel supported, loved, and fulfilled. When you know what you need, it’s easier to communicate clearly with your partner.
Align on goals and values again
As life goes on, priorities, goals, and values can subtly shift. It’s important to have open and honest discussions about your values and plans to ensure you’re moving in the same direction. Having regular discussions about your goals can prevent misunderstandings and make it easier to work as a team.
Invest in outside support early on
Outside support from a licensed therapist is a proactive way to prevent your marriage from growing apart. Some couples may be hesitant about starting couples therapy because they’re afraid it means their marriage is failing. However, the benefits of couples therapy are usually worth the initial discomfort. Professional support can help strengthen your connection by providing a safe space to uncover patterns and address issues before they get out of control.
Commit to growing together, not separately
Long-term relationships thrive when both partners commit to growing together. Sharing new experiences, supporting each other’s individual goals, and celebrating progress will help you prevent the subtle drift that can happen over the years. Viewing growth as a journey to embark on together, not separately, helps to maintain your closeness over time.
Know When to Let Go (If Needed)
In some cases, repeated good-faith efforts to close the distance between partners don’t help. Recognizing when a relationship may no longer meet your emotional needs is important for your well-being.
Signs that it may be time to let go of the relationship include:
- Continued disengagement from one or both partners
- A lack of effort in addressing issues
- Repeated conflict without resolution
In this case, separation may be a healthier choice for you and your partner or spouse.
Consider whether staying together supports your long-term goals, happiness, and growth. Letting go of a marriage doesn’t mean failure. Instead, it can be a healing step for both people. Prioritizing your well-being and acknowledging the reality of the situation is an act of self-care for you and your partner.
It can be helpful to seek guidance from a therapist to help you navigate your feelings and explore your options. Professional support can help guide productive conversations that may lead to a renewed connection or a respectful parting of ways, if needed.
Reconnect With Support
Distance in a marriage often grows in small ways. Similarly, it can shrink the same way. Reconnecting and saving your marriage starts with meaningful and consistent actions. You can start small, like picking one new habit to rebuild your intimacy each week, such as a date night to spend quality time together or practicing gratitude. With some time and attention, you can learn how to improve your marriage and prevent growing apart in your relationship.
Addressing your underlying issues as a couple and making changes can be difficult, even with the best of intentions. Professional guidance can help accelerate your progress as a couple. A licensed therapist can help you improve your communication and learn skills to help you re-establish your closeness.
With Talkspace, you can connect with a licensed therapist who specializes in couples therapy to help you prevent or stop growing apart in your marriage. Talkspace makes it easy to access marriage counseling online from the comfort of your home, so therapy can fit into your busy schedule.
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