How ‘Touch Starvation’ Impacts Boys—And To Help

To watch the end of the World Series—or any major championship played by men—is to glimpse a rare phenomenon in American culture: men publicly, joyfully, and unabashedly holding each other in prolonged full-body embraces, men heartily grabbing and slapping each other’s bottoms, and men piling on top of each other in a wriggling, jubilant haze. 

This is one of the only settings where this level of physical contact between men is culturally accepted—and it highlights a larger void: Some boys aren’t getting enough touch, and that lack can have long-term consequences for their development and mental health.

We spoke to experts about why this is happening, and how parents can use positive touch to enhance their sons’ social and emotional wellbeing.

What Is Touch Starvation?

Touch starvation, also known as “skin hunger” or “touch deprivation,” happens when a person doesn’t receive enough physical affection. People who experience touch starvation are more likely to report loneliness, depression, stress, mood and anxiety disorders, secondary immune disorders, and a fearful-avoidant attachment style. By contrast, a 2016 study of undergraduate college students found that significant physical contact, especially in early childhood, was related to lower levels of depression and greater satisfaction in romantic relationships later in life.

“The bottom line: touch keeps you alive. It’s crucial,” Michael Thompson, PhD, a clinical psychologist specializing in children and families, tells Parents. That’s one reason why skin-to-skin contact after birth has become a standard practice—it helps infants feel safe, secure, and connected.

Why Are Some Boys Touch Starved?

Despite the clear benefits of physical affection, Thompson says that American culture as a whole is touch starved. For boys, this issue is compounded by rigid ideas about masculinity that discourage emotional and physical closeness. The result is that some boys may not be getting enough touch from caregivers, teachers, friends, and other loved ones.

“What is the American icon? It’s the lonely cowboy,” Thompson says. “Human beings want to touch each other pretty much all the time. But once you indicate to boys that’s not masculine, they’re going to follow the rules absolutely. We are unwittingly training our boys to be the lone cowboy.”

This socialization starts early, and is almost impossible for parents to avoid. “Boys are already being socialized whether parents know it or not,” says Matt Englar-Carlson, a men’s mental health researcher and Chair of the Department of Counseling at California State University Fullerton. “It’s happening everywhere around them from the moment boys are exposed to the world, but particularly when they are exposed to media.”

While parents can’t always prevent these cultural messages from reaching their sons, they can provide a powerful counterbalance at home.

How To Help Boys Thrive Using Positive Touch

When boys don’t receive the essential human touch they need for healthy development, Thompson and Englar-Carlson say they may seek it in less appropriate—and sometimes more aggressive—ways. This might look like punching a friend in the arm or groin “for fun,” but it can also show up as irritability, anxiety, social withdrawal, or difficulty calming down.

“For a lot of boys, the world isn’t safe,” Englar-Carlson says. “So touch becomes a pause, a safe harbor.” He also shares an easy rule of thumb: there is no limit to the amount of positive touch a parent can provide their son. He and Thompson share ways parents can help boys thrive through the power of positive touch.

• Address your own discomfort first. If boys sense their parents are uncomfortable with physical affection, they are more likely to develop a negative association with it.
• Use touch to calm and connect. A gentle touch can help calm kids’ nervous systems, and can sometimes be more effective than trying to talk through or solve a problem. 
• Find the touch your son prefers. It can be a hug, holding hands, putting your arm around him, rubbing the nape of his neck, rubbing the top of his head, or something else that he enjoys.
• Research other cultures together. In countries like China and Israel, boys and men in platonic relationships freely touch and embrace in public. Learning about these cultures can help boys question harmful gender norms.
• Incorporate touch into other routine activities. If you read together every night, for example, you can also turn it into a cuddle session.
• Model affectionate friendships. If you feel comfortable, ask if it’s okay to give the host parent and child a hug at playdate drop off—your child is watching how affection works between adults.
• Distinguish between discomfort and fear. Some boys don’t enjoy a certain kinds of touch. Others are afraid of being teased. Having a conversation helps to clarify boundaries and normalize healthy physical affection.
• Negotiate positive touch with older boys. If your son is self-conscious about public displays of affection, find a compromise. A goodbye hug can happen at home or a block away. You might say, “I need to hug you. Is there a place I can do it where you’d feel comfortable?”
• Consider an all-boys summer camp. Being in a single-sex environment can allow boys to feel safe from gender policing. Thompson says he has met many men who described all-boys summer camp experiences as “life changing.”
• Craft a family counter narrative. The best way to protect against unhealthy messages about masculinity is for parents to be prepared with a counter narrative for their family. This could sound like, “I realize that your friends may not hug their parents. But in our family it’s really important that we show that we love each other, and one of the ways we do that is by hugging.”

American culture often trains boys to be stoic, stripping them of one of the most basic human needs: touch. While trying to combat this on a societal level can feel daunting, our homes are one place where change is attainable. Whatever ways parents and caregivers choose to incorporate positive touch in boys’ lives, it will only help them flourish in the future.

And maybe one day, seeing a group of men embrace each other after a big win—or any other milestone—won’t feel rare at all. It will simply reflect the full humanity that lives inside every man.